Series 5, Episode 9, Broadcast 23 November 1954 The Last Tram (From Clapham) Wallace: This is the BBC Home Service Everyone: hysterical laughter Harry: (still laughing) Did you hear that? The BBC Home Service? Everyone: hysterical laughter Wallace: Oh well, we present the happy-go-lucky, crazy, zany, wacky - Goon Show! Everyone: dead silence ORCHESTRA: INTRODUCTION PIECE Harry: Ladies and gentlepong, that great and moving music leads us automatically to tram cars. On April the 5th 1952 London's last tram rolled in to the depot. Here to celebrate that occasion is a special radio documentary entitled - The Last Tram! ORCHESTRA: GRAND LINK TUNE GRAMS: TRAM MOVING, BELL RINGING, CHEERS Peter: (BBC Announcer over Grams) And as I stand here on the great pavement there goes the last tram. ORCHESTRA: STRAINED CHORD Harry: That was the last tram. Those taking part were the Mayor of Westminster and the counsellors, and Alan Eagle led the Chelsea pensioners. Also taking part were the last tram driver Norris Lurker and the conductress Madje Thumd Leader for Beer. Produced by Melly Ball Shoeshine, script by William Shakespeare, edited by Jimmy Grafton, additional dialogue by Geraldo, the hotel bill was by Gilbert Harding. Everyone: applauds and cheers ORCHESTRA: TRAM THEME Everyone: applauds and cheers ORCHESTRA: TRAM THEME (EXACTLY THE SAME) Everyone: applauds and cheers ORCHESTRA: TRAM THEME (SAME, FADES OUT TO CHEERS) GRAMS: MUSIC PLAYED WHEN BBC IS OFF THE AIR, WOBBLY Wallace: We appear to have a little time in hand before the next programme, so here once again is the name of the last tram driver. It is Norris Lurker. In case any of you want to write it down it is spelt N O R R I S L U R K E R. The last tram was a 53A- F I F T Y T H R E E A Y E Peter: (almost Grytpype, announcer) Listeners, this man is a fool. The last tram was not a 53A, the last tram was yet to come. The drama of its revelation started with an ordinary 49 and six-penny phone call. GRAMS: (IN SEQUENCE) PRESSURE COOKER CORK BURSTING, RISING WHISTLE, SPLASH, HONOLULU MUSIC, TRAIN STEAMING IN, WOODEN BOX FALLING TO BITS, GERMANS SALUTING THEIR FUHRER, EXPLOSION, PIG NOISES, CORK POPS Neddy: Answer that phone Throat: Right FX: PHONE PIECE LIFTED Throat: Hello? It's for you, sir Neddy: Thank you Miss Throat. Hello? London Pleasure Transport board, Transport House, Redundant Tram Department, Inspector Ned Seagoon speaking, laughs to himself, what!? Nonsense! Good-bye! FX: PHONE PIECE SLAMMED DOWN Neddy: (calling) Mr. Clench! FX: FOOT STEPS RUNNING FROM AFAR TOWARDS MICROPHONE Peter: (sucking up voice) Did you so much as call me, sir? Neddy: Yes, take your tongue off my boot. Now, some fool just phoned up and said there is still a tram at large on the Highgate-Kingsway route Peter: Oh, but that is impossible, sir. All trams have been melted down and made into melted down trams Neddy: Every one? Peter: All except the one you're living in, sir Neddy: Wait! Wait, look! That tram map on the wall! There's still one flag-pin in it Peter: Good Heavens! I had never noticed it before, sir Neddy: What does it mean? Peter: It means, that, that there is a tram still running. According to the flag it's a number 33 Neddy: When did he leave the depot? Peter: 1952 Neddy: He's running late! He's running terribly late Peter: Yes Neddy: I'd better check on this. Is my official car ready? Peter: Yes, he's finished your shopping, sir. He'll be with you in just one moment now Neddy: Splendid. Ere the night is out I'll have this number 33 in the sheds and quietly melted down. We don't want scandal, you know. FX: DOOR OPENS Ray: Er, your car is ready, sir Neddy: Thank you Gladys. Now come along, drive along the old 33 route and hurry, man. Ray: Right, hold tight FX: COCONUT SHELLS, VERY SLOW PACE Ray: (over FX) Er, giddup there Neddy: She's running well tonight Ray: Yeah, considering we have a load of ashes on board Neddy: Yes Ray: Giddup there Neddy: (panicking) Take it easy you mad fool! Do you want to kill us both? Ray: No, only you Neddy: Good, stop here Gladys. I want to go down the Kingsway subway (FX end), now you meet me the other side, I'll go on foot - in fact, I'll go on both feet Peter: (announcer) The old Kingsway tram tunnel - inside it was pitch black and dark as well. To make it worse, there were no lights on. Luckily the tunnel was only 20 yards wide so Ned Seagoon was able to stretch out his arms and feel his way along both sides. GRAMS: DRIPPING WATER, ECHOED AS IN A TUNNEL Neddy: (over Grams) Yes, it was very dark. Luckily I had remembered a 200 foot candle I had in my trouser pocket. Putting in a fresh battery I lit it, and there in the candlelight gleaming in the darkness was the hulk of a long forgotten tram. On the side I could see the number - 33. Carefully I climbed aboard the rusty platform Henry: You can't get on here, it's not a request stop Neddy: Good Heavens! Good Heavens, it's driver Henry Crun! Henry: Yes, yes Neddy: It was you who phoned. Now look here, Crun, this tram should have been on the scrap heap 2 and a half years ago Henry: My 33 on the scrap heap!? Never, never! Tiddle-poo! Never, not until you afford us our just dues, and this is the last tram ceremony I'm talking about and a marble clock presentation Neddy: It's impossible, driver Crun. Now look here, the last tram ceremony's over and done with and Norris Lurker has been presented with a marble clock. Now come on let's sneak old 33 quietly back to the sheds, ey? Henry: No, no Minnie: Henrrrrrry! Who's that down there? Henry: A civil servant, Minnie Minnie: Hit him! Hit him! Neddy: Minnie Bannister, come down off the top-deck Minnie: I can't Neddy: Why not? Minnie: I'm smoking. Any way, buddy, who are you? Neddy: I'm from the tram depot Minnie: It's thruppence from the tram depot, buddy Neddy: Well I must ask you both to get off this tram Minnie: Ba! Neddy: I command you! Minnie and Henry: Piddle-Pooh! Henry: Abandon my lovely tram in mid-route? Never! I must think of my passenger Neddy: Mr. Crun, you've been down here two and a half years, who would be idiot enough to be passenger all that time? Eccles: Dum-de-dum-de-dum. Let me know when we get to my stop and Kingsway, won't you? Neddy: Come along, get off, you Eccles: What what? Me off? Do you know who you're talking to? Neddy: Who? Eccles: You've heard of the Duke of Norfolk Neddy: Yes Eccles: Well I'm - Eccles! Neddy: Eccles? Eccles: Yup Neddy: Are you elated to the Duke of Norfolk? Eccles: Nope, but I had you worried for a moment (laughs to himself) Neddy: I'm sure you had the Duke worried for a moment, too. Now come along, off you get Eccles: But I booked to Kingsway, here's my ticket! Neddy: He's booked to Kingsway, yes. Curse! He's within his rights. Driver Crun, you will have to drive this man to his destination Henry: Not unless you promise us the last tram ceremony Minnie: Hit him! Hit him! Henry: And the marble clock Neddy: This is mutiny! This is going to lose me my job, you know? It's going to mean a Royal commission and - I'll have to speak to the governors, that's all. Meantime here's driver Max Geldray to play a 34 trolley bus MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK Wallace: The Last Tram, Part Two. A meeting of the country and town planning society Everyone: meeting mumbling Grytpype: Next item, blocks of flats to be built on the sight of the old Kingsway tram subway Spike: Bravvvo! Grytpype: Yes. Of the 10,000 tenders I have given the contract to F Bogg and company Spike: Isn't that, er, isn't that your wife's brother? Grytpype: clears throat uncomfortably FX: PISTOL SHOT Spike: Ahh! Grytpype: Any more questions? Good! Now what I want to see - FX: DOOR OPENED QUICKLY AND VIOLENTLY Neddy: Gentlemen! (catches breath) Stop the meeting! Spike: What's going on here? You can't do this! Grytpype: Do you have to burst in here? If you must burst please do it in a convenient place Neddy: Ying-tong-iddle-I-po! Everyone: Good! Neddy: My name is Ned Seagoon Grytpype: Oh yes, the horror comic Neddy: I'm chief of the redundant tram department. I have grave news for you all - you can't build the flats on the old Kingsway subway! Grytpype: Can't build - but I've already had the dropsy from the - (clears throat uncomfortably) - um, why not? Neddy: There's a 33 Tram down there Grytpype: Well, get it out Neddy: I want to, I've got to, but this crew refuse to drive it until they are afforded another last tram ceremony Grytpype: Another ceremony? Dear, dear Spike: (cockney?) If all of these flats, I said, I said, them flats have got to go up because I can't sleep in Hyde Park any longer. They've got to go up Grytpype: Of course, of course. Seagoon, we'll do this tram but secretly and on the cheap, we don't want any questions asked Neddy: Right Grytpype: This man does all functions at half price, here's his card Neddy: Let me see. Oh! Major Bloodnok! ORCHESTRA: BLOODNOK THEME TUNE Major: Ooooh! Aaaah! There, Moriarty! I'll pay pontoons only Moriarty: I don't believe! We're playing chess! Major: Oh, I thought the cards were a funny shape FX: KNOCKING ON DOOR Major: The police! Moriarty: Bloodnok, there are other people Major: Not in my life FX: DOOR OPENS Neddy: Good evening, I'm looking for Major Dennis Bloodnok Major: (gulps) He's upstairs, dangerously ill Neddy: Who are you? Major: I am his identical twin brother Fred Neddy: Pity, I had a paid job for him Major: I'll go upstairs and see if he's better GRAMS: WHOOSH! FX: DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS Major: Ooh! Aah! My identical twin brother Fred has just told me you wish to see me. Now to business. Neddy: We want you to do a cut-price Lord Mayor's last tram ceremony. It must be hush-hush or there'll be questions asked and I'll get the sack Major: Sealed lips Bloodnok! Now what's the, er - Neddy: 10 pounds Major 10 - Moriarty, phone the mansion house Neddy: Remember, it's all very hush-hush, so be there at 8.45 tomorrow night at Kingsway tram subway Major: Right, yes, yes, yes, yes. Good-bye! Neddy: Good-bye FX: DOOR SHUTS Major: (sings to himself) Moriarty, are you through yet? Moriarty: Just a minute. Hello? Hello? Hello? Mansion House? Lou: (other end of phone) Yes, yes, yes Moriarty: Lord Mayor? Lou: Who else? Moriarty: Listen, Gus. We want to borrow the Lord Mayor's robes for tomorrow Lou: Oooh well, let me have them back straight after, only Sir Winston wants them for a fancy dress ball, you see. Well I've got to go now, someone wants an 'aircut ORCHESTRA: HARP LINK Spike: During that phone conversation how many of you noticed that Neddy Seagoon had gone down to the subway again? Hmm? You must watch these points Neddy: Hello, Mr. Crun? We've arranged the last tram ceremony. Tonight at 8.45, in 15 minutes time. Henry: Oh, Minnie? Take the beds down Minnie: I can't Henry: Why not? Minnie: I've just got in Henry: Well stay in bed now you're there, just bring my bed down Minnie: Which one is yours, Henry? Henry: The one I'm not in, Min Minnie: Which one is that? Henry: The one I'm not in, Min Minnie: But you're not in either bed Henry Henry: Aaaah! Neddy: Thank you Michael Dennison and Earlsy Grey. Now come along, drive this tram out of here Henry: I can't there's no electricity, they turned it off at the mains Neddy: Good Heavens! I have to account for that tram. I'll have to go and get the electricity laid on. Meanwhile here's old steam-driven Ray Ellington and his lurgi-ridden four MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET "I CAN'T TELL A WALTZ FROM A TANGO" Spike: Thank you, thank you. While Mr. Ellington was singing that number how many of you noticed that Seagoon had gone to the country and town planners, ey? You must watch it you know Neddy: So the tram is rusted to the rails and can not be moved until the electricity is through Grytpype: Well, we shall have to build over it, that's all Neddy: No, no. You can't do that, I'd lose my job. I've got to account for all the trams, you know? Grytpype: I'm sorry, laddy, I'm sorry, my job is to build those flats on Kingsway subway and we must start building or the bricks will start to perish Neddy: But you can't! Grytpype: Yes. Look, it's up to you to get your tram out of there before the tunnel is sealed up Neddy: What? What? Before the tunnel is sealed up? I must hurry GRAMS: WHOOSH Spike: Meantime, at the London Basheer Transport Board, redundant tram depot section 3 Major: Where's that double-crossing Seagoon? I'll give him last tram ceremony! I'll - Spike: (Indian) Pardon me, I am his secretary, sir Major: Where's his dufter? Spike: His dufter is in there but - Major: Out of my way FX: DOOR OPENS Major: Now, Seagoon! I've been at the subway entrance waiting all night for that blasted tram to come out! You're a no-good, low-down, jumped- up, never-come-down naughty man! And I'd call you worse if it wasn't for the fact that you're not here! Aaaah! What's this on his desk? A nice little petty-cash box FX: DOOR OPENS Spike: (upper-class voice) Oh, I'm sorry sir Major: How dare you accuse me of stealing from the petty-cash box! Spike: I'm the new boy sir, I've just brought the departmental wages Major: (shouting) I'm not interested in the department! - (friendly) Leave them here, lad Spike: Would you care to just sign here, sir? Major: The greatest of pleasure (FX: SCRATCH OF PEN ON PAPER OVER NAME) Ned Seagoon. There. How much did you say was here? Spike: £20,000 Major: Ooooh! I wonder where Neddy is Neddy: Ned, dear listeners, was struggling to get the electricity to the tram. But I needed assistance Bluebottle: I heard you call me, my cap-i-tain. Enter Bluebottle, gives ting on tram conductor's set, pauses for audience's sausages, not a clapper in the house. Thinks, this is a good start. Neddy: Dear little skin and bones Hercules, you came in the nick of time Bluebottle: No I did not, I came in the council dust cart. Points to portion of old fish bones still stuck to seat of trousers. Doot-doot-doot- doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-ey! Sharp bones! Neddy: Little dirty pipe-cleaner legs, take these electricity cables down the subway Bluebottle: I will do it, my cap-i-tain, I will. Carefully puts horror comic in secret pocket. Picks up electric cable. Farewell my - Tee- Hee! Hee-hee-hee! Cap-i-tain? Neddy: What, lad? Bluebottle: Cap-i-tain? You would not turn on he dreaded electricity on while little Bluen-bottle is still holding the wires? You would not do that to your little Bluen-bottle, would you, cap-i-tain? Neddy: I give you my word as a Chinese gentleman Bluebottle: I know my little Chine captain would not lie to me. Enters tunnel. Does dignified slow walk as done by Alan Lad in "The Black Knight", but effect is ruined by fish bones still hanging on trousers. Harry: (Welsh worker) Where's that lad going? Bluebottle: Oh, hello Mr. Workman! Harry: What are you doing down here? Bluebottle: This is a good game, isn't it? Tee-Hee! Harry: You can't hang about down here, we're working, we mumbles to himself Bluebottle: Oh, that is a rude naughty sign. Moves away from rough nasty workman. Harry: Go on, be off, or I'll bang you with this shovel! I don't know what's going on here, I don't. Jock! Spike: (Irish) What's it, my darling boy? Harry: Connect up the electricity Spike: Darling boy, it's not on, it's not through, darling Harry: Ooh, these flats will need lighting, you know, there should be a couple of thousand volts through, throw the switch any-road FX: METAL SWITCH TURNED GRAMS: STRONG ELECTRIC CURRENT RUNNING THROUGH FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION Bluebottle: Eaugh! Eaugh! Eaugh! Eaugh! You rotten workmen swine you! You have deaded me with the dreaded electric voltages! Look, my beautiful nut is all singed! Points to badly blackened bonce doot-doot-doot-doot-doot! Thud! Sound of ear 'ole falling off. Harry: You shouldn't be don here while we're building, now get out before I fetch you one with this shovel Bluebottle: I shall tell my teacher, Miss Cringing-Draws about you! I will! You just wait 'til she gives me back my cardboard atomic ray- gun! You will writhe in agony as the radioactive particles enter through your - FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD Bluebottle: Hey! Harry: You asked for that FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD Harry: Oooh! Bluebottle: So have you! Hee-hee-hee! I have re-veng-ed the honour of the Bluebottles! Exits left in blackened rags, flattened bonce, loose knees and spare shins in satchel. Victory! Hooray! Exits left on corporation sewage cart - pooh! Harry: I don't know what's going on down here, I'll tell you that for nothing Wallace: Pardon me, I'm from the BBC FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD Wallace: Oooh! Harry: That's for the TV programmes you give us! Wallace: You rotten devil, you! You hit-ted poor little Wallace Greenslade with a shovel! Nearly deading me! Points to lump on crust doot- doot-doot Bluebottle: Greenslade you swine you! You're pinching my lovely little act! I'll get you at playtime with Terry Wallace: Tell me dad! Neddy: What's going on here? Wallace: Oh, sir, the BBC has just heard about the new last tram ceremony and would like to broadcast it Neddy: No, no, you mustn't! It's supposed to be secret! Wallace: Oh don't worry, no one will hear it, sir, it's on the home-service Neddy: Thank Heaven for that. Yes, well you'll find all the reception committee waiting at the far end of the tunnel. Now I'll go down and get Mr. Crun going ORCHESTRA: TRAM THEME TUNE Spike: Just thought you'd like to hear it again Henry: Mmmn! Are you all packed, Minnie? Minnie: Yes, I'm in my box, Henry Henry: I'll just put the lid on Neddy: Ah, Mr. Crun! Minnie: Hit him! FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD Neddy: Oooh! Give me that shovel! Now look here, the electricity's on so start driving her out. We've only got 5 minutes to get the ceremony over before the builders seal the tunnel Eccles: Oh good! Don't forget to put me over at Kingsway because when I get there - FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD Eccles: I've got a lot of things to do there. Ooow! Neddy: Now shut up! Henry: Hold tight! FX: CONDUCTOR'S BELL Wallace: Stop! Stop! Mr. Seagoon, Mr. Seagoon there's no-one at the end of the subway at all Neddy: No - No last tram reception committee? Wallace: No, no Minnie: Hit him! FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD Neddy: Ooh! Look here, committee or no committee I'm driving this tram out. Jump on, Greenslade! On second thoughts, jump on the tram! GRAMS: TRAM RUNNING Neddy: (over Grams) I'll show them Ned Seagoon's the master Wallace: You're Seagoon? I Think I should mention that there's a black moray at the entrance waiting for you Neddy: Why? Wallace: Absconding with the departmental wages Neddy: Stop the tram! Crun how do you stop the tram? Minnie: Hit him! FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD TWICE OVER SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER ORCHESTRA: THEME TUNE Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton. ORCHESTRA: FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY OUT